Breach Pt. 2

What is dreaming and what is reality? I once read that everything we conceive around us is just an illusion our brains create. Of course brains need source material that our senses produce for them, but if the source is false so is our perception of it. If something can manipulate the electric synapses of our bodies we cannot know what is real and what is... a dream. Basically the only thing we can be certain is real is ourself. Everything else could be an illusion or dream and we're none the wiser.

But if I can't trust my senses what can I trust? As I wiped the drool off my face my collegue/friend Arath appeared beside me. "You ok?" He asked with a look of serius concern on his face. He placed his hand on my shoulder which made me shudder. "Yeah, it's nothing, just a dream. You know, been so tired lately that staying awake is a chore" I said and tried to put on a brave face. I knew it wouldn't fool anyone, but at least I could dodge any more questions that way. That's when I saw it.

I hadn't noticed it before but ever since I started to dream the nightmare, the shadows were longer, darker, menacing. The world itself had become more sinister and darker but I just hadn't noticed it. Not until now when I saw the creature in the shadow. It expanded behind Arath filling the whole wall and all I could do was freeze. I couldn't make out any outlines or defining features, I only felt the creature's presence. It felt like I was being stalked by a dangerous predator or balancing very high on a narrow ledge. My heart pounded like no tomorrow but I couldn't act even though I wanted to. What I felt was pure fear.

Arath said something I couldn't hear when the creature reached for him slowly. I saw how it covered Arath in the shadow for a brief moment. Then it disappeared and the room felt a bit brighter. Arath hadn't noticed anything strange it appeared. "Maybe you should just take the rest of the day off and rest. You're in no shape to...*ATCHOO* work. I guess I'm also coming down with something, hopefully it's not lethal" Arath said jokingly slapping me on the back. I said something I don't remember anymore but that was the last time I saw Arath. He was found dead the next day by his husband. Natural causes they said but I knew better.

After that incident my dreams changed. Once again I was walking in near darkness but this time I saw a hole before me. The very hole I'd fallen through so many times. For a moment I was mesmerized by this sudden turn of events, until I heard a raspy nasal voice "You finally figured it out. We're glad." It was the same shadow creature I saw during the day but now its features we're more defined.

It seemed to stretch impossibly wide filling the space around me but at the same time it seemed extremely narrow and skeletal-like. It was as far away from a human as an ant is from a dragon. Words escaped my head as I stood there baffled and stunned. The creature slithered nearer "You're useful to us and so you shall be spared. Nourish us and you shall be rewarded." For a moment I saw Arath's face appearing on the creature, writhing in agony. Then I woke up covered in cold sweat.

Breach pt. 1

"Hello darkness, my old friend
  I've come to talk with you again
  Because a vision softly creeping
  Left its seeds while I was sleeping
  And the vision that was planted in my brain
  Still remains
  Within the sound of silence"

- Simon & Garfunkel

 

I convinced myself it would hold, but with each step I knew I was wrong. Dead wrong. First there was a feeling of weightlessness which was followed by the terror of falling. The one which lets you know you're not in charge anymore, if you ever even were. Next there's the pain. Like thousands of needles piercing through my skin, as the cold water absorbs me sending mixed signals through my nervous system. At the same time it feels like I'm boiling and freezing, a feeling that's impossible to get used to. Lastly becomes the darkness which consumes everything. It's not your everyday darkness but something deeper and consuming. It feels like being back in a womb again. A womb that takes your life instead of granting one. And during all of this I'm not afraid but rather satisfied; I deserve this. Then the dream ends.

It repeats itself pretty much the same every night. Sometimes it lasts longer and I'm just floating longer in the water and other times I wake up immediately when I start to fall. My doc says it's just a symptom of too much stress from work and I believed her - at first. Lately I've felt like there's something more to the dream but that something's just out of my field of perception. You know the feeling when you think someone's watching you, but when you try to look there's no one there? In the dream I have a similar feeling except there's only darkness, silence and pain. I'm probably just imagining the feeling just to forge some reason into this all. And day by day I feel like I'm losing my sanity bit by bit. That's probably the only rational thing in a place devoid of logic and rationality.

Not surprisingly my work has gone to shit in these past few months. I'm a journalist slash trying to be a novelist managing through life. First part pays the bills and latter feels more and more of a pipe dream. Journalism part is neither doing that well at the moment as I'm a walking talking automaton doing the bare minimum. Being tired all the time does that to people. In the beginning I was optimistic and believed the dreams and tiredness would eventually pass. After one month my boss told me to see a doctor but he only gave me pills for sleep. They did nothing - or rather I saw more of that same dream. Months passed and my situation slowly turned worse and worse. I was afraid to go to sleep like in that 80's horror flick Nightmare on the Elm street. Joke is that I'd gladly take on Freddy any time over the freezing water bullshit. 

Don't even get me started on my social life. Put it bluntly, there isn't one. I broke up with my fiancé last year before this whole dream shenanigan begun. If you're hoping for a dramatic break up story, there isn't one either. I guess we just grew tired of each other during the years together. My only real family is my dad who lives on the other side of the country. We call each other from time to time but mom's death really hit him couple a years back. Mom was basically dad's only social life outside of work and now that she's gone he's been busting himself even more at the factory. I don't blame him 'cos I miss her too. My only hope is that I'd sometimes dream of her and the good times.

In other words I'm very much alone at the moment. Most of my friends are busy either with their family, advancing their careers or both. And even when they do have time to meet I've been too tired to even think about it. Come to think of it there must be dozens of unread emails and letters from the past year from them. At some point they stopped writing and I didn't even notice. It's pretty easy to just disappear from social circles and it makes me sad. I guess the only one who gives a crap about me is Charlie, my cat, and that is as long as I feed him, pet him and keep his crapper clean.

The last couple of weeks have been quite stable, meaning that my life revolves around "sleeping", pretending to be a functional adult and eating meds. I don't even try to eat healthy or exercise and it shows. Can't see the reason why should I when I can very well be dead next week. But things usually go worse before they get better and that's also true in my case. I was at work yesterday watching outside when I realized everything was underwater. Or at least everything seemed to be underwater but there weren't any fish or other sea creatures swimming around. There was only water. I burst out laughing alerting my co-workers. I'd finally lost it and this was my breaking point. I started to wonder would I lose control of my body next or simply fall catatonic. Perhaps a giant sea monster would attack through the glass and eat me? Even though I was sure it was a hallucination I forced myself to study it closer. That's when I saw it - Way higher the water was capped with ice but there was a single hole in it. And someone trying to swim to the hole, someone who looked exactly like me. Then I woked up from my desk having drooled all over my left sleeve. It was just a dream or so I told myself. Once again I was dead wrong.